Thursday, July 7, 2016
Reflections
Thankful.
When I reflect on the past three weeks and the events in my life, the most overwhelming feeling I have is gratitude. In the midst of one of the most undeniably challenging seasons of my life, I've been surrounded with a myriad of blessings. People who've come into my mess and stood there with me. Not to try to fix things, but just to be.
I've been thinking for some time now for a way to put my thoughts on what I've experienced out there and to be honest, there isn't an easy answer. I'm very much a verbal processor, but for me, words on a page seems more doable than a conversation. Because while I want to process what's gone on, I don't think I can do it if I'm constantly reading the facial expressions and body language of those I speak with. Thoughts have swirled in my head as I've processed internally what I've experienced, and there's a huge part of me that feels it is important to share those thoughts with whoever will read. Putting it in writing is better than face-to-face for the moment because my tendency to observe and analyze would make it too difficult to say what I need to.
It's a blessing and a curse, being observant. It helps me in my job and it saved my life. That same observance, however, means I'm hyper aware of how the things I say affect people and I read into those reactions - sometimes in a way that limits my ability to express what I need to. So here we are.
What's gone on can be best broken into three time frames, and over the next several posts I plan to unpack most of it. Those three time frames are the past 18 months, trial week, everything since.
In total, since my life changed 18 months ago, I've been in a season of tremendous challenges. I never could have imagined the path I'd be walking on. It's not one I would ever have wished on myself or anyone else, but it is my journey now, and I'm grateful.
Perspective changes things. In September 2014, I knew I'd eventually emerge on the other side of this nightmare. One day, I'd be stronger. One day I'd see how all of this fit into the larger plan for my life that God was working. There'd be a greater purpose, and one day I'd see how some of the pieces fit. Perhaps I imagined a light bulb moment... as if one morning I'd wake up and feel different. Or maybe it would come when the verdicts were read and he would finally face real punishment for what he did. Neither of those things happened. You see there wasn't a single moment when I felt differently, had more clarity or could see where God was weaving this into the fabric of my story. Instead I've trekked on - step by step - I've had days where I've felt stronger and piece by piece I've begun to heal.
If you're still reading at this point, you might be wondering what it is I'm even talking about. To be honest, I've lost track of who knows and who doesn't. None of that really matters because it's not a dirty secret. To hide in the shadows of what happened to me would be to imply that somehow I'm in the wrong here. That simply isn't the case.
In September 2014, I was raped.
I became one of millions of women who joined the survivors club. One in 5 women will join our ranks in her lifetime. I never imagined I'd be in this club, but life is surprising like that. On that September night I feared for my life and wondered how I would survive. But survive I did.
In the days, weeks and months that have passed since that night, I've had a lot to be thankful for. For family who endured my stress mood swings and irritability, for friends who helped me move in a hurry and then escorted me into my apartment every night after work until I felt safe and secure and for the countless others who've sent prayers up on my behalf and good vibes my way.
Thank you seems hollow when I reflect on the officers who responded to my house, the detectives who worked on my case the prosecutors who got to know me and won justice on my behalf.
Thank you isn't nearly enough.
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Now is the Time to Pray
Now is the time to pray.
Before you start in with the "it's always the time to pray" speeches and the Christian-ese "pray without ceasing talk," let me be clear. Yes, we should always be in prayer. But now... in this time, in this city, it IS the time to pray.
This week, a jury of 12 people from the Charlotte area will hear closing arguments in a voluntary manslaughter case involving a Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department officer. Today, they enter their first full day of deliberations. I'm not writing this to offer my own opinion on innocence or guilt, if you want to know my views, let's have a private conversation. Instead, I believe it is the time to pray for all involved.
Nobody "wins" in a case like this. In fact, I'd venture to argue that in cases where a person is killed or violated or injured, there aren't winners at all in the criminal justice system. Should Officer Kerrick be found guilty of voluntary manslaughter, the Ferrell family will almost certainly feel a sense of vindicated justice. But that "justice" they feel will not bring back their son. It will not fill the hole left in their lives by his absence. For them, a "victory"isn't going to bring the thing they long for most. It won't give their son a future. Should the jury find Officer Kerrick not-guilty, his family will feel a sense of relief, but they will not win. No, the lives of two families were irreparably changed forever that September morning. So now is the time to pray.
We need to pray for wisdom. For peace. For a peace that surpasses all understanding. I, for one, will never understand why countless lives, both white and black, are lost at the hands of those who are sworn to protect us. I'll also never understand what it is to willingly chose to enter situations that could cost me my life on a daily basis. So instead of trying to understand, I pray for peace.
As believers, we also need to pray for this city. Sure, this trial hasn't garnered the same national attention and passion-filled protests that other cases have. The shooting itself happened before the altercation between Ofc. Darren Wilson and Michael Brown, that led to Brown's death. It happened before the death's of Freddie Gray and Walter Scott. But this city, and the people in it, are hurting. People on all sides of this issue are hurting and yearning for peace. I pray that we might come together, learn from one another and strive for understanding.
I realize that my position and viewpoint is flows from my position in the majority. As a white woman in this country, I will never fully know the African-American experience. I've never been followed in a store, or immediately suspected of doing something wrong because of the way I look. In fact, I'm certain I've received the benefit of the doubt, when my sisters and brothers in the minority would not be given the same measure of grace.
All across our country, white families like the one I grew up in are instilling values of respecting authority. I know that my brother and I were taught to respect our elders and those of authority, even when we thought they were wrong. We knew that there were avenues to right wrongs made by those in power, should that occur. I'm learning, however, that those same avenues afforded to me by the virtue of my white complexion, aren't always available to those of color. This is a shame. It saddens me that African-American parents are having conversations with their children, their sons, about life and death. Not just about respecting authority, but about doing everything they can - everything they have to - to ensure that encounters with authority don't cost a life.
Now is the time to pray. As deliberations unfold and social media buzzes with a twisting of evidence revealed and the pulling of emotional strings, now is the time to pray. Pray for the 12 jurors in that room, for their wisdom, their safety and their hearts. It's time to pray for the Ferrell family, for the loss that they continue to grieve. That they might find peace and purpose from this terrible tragedy. It's time to pray for Officer Kerrick's family. For peace to live with the events that transpired that night, for the ability to move forward with courage and compassion - no matter the outcome. To pray for his family, his wife and child, who like Kerrick himself, are forever changed.
Now is the time to pray. Will you join me?
Before you start in with the "it's always the time to pray" speeches and the Christian-ese "pray without ceasing talk," let me be clear. Yes, we should always be in prayer. But now... in this time, in this city, it IS the time to pray.
This week, a jury of 12 people from the Charlotte area will hear closing arguments in a voluntary manslaughter case involving a Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department officer. Today, they enter their first full day of deliberations. I'm not writing this to offer my own opinion on innocence or guilt, if you want to know my views, let's have a private conversation. Instead, I believe it is the time to pray for all involved.
Nobody "wins" in a case like this. In fact, I'd venture to argue that in cases where a person is killed or violated or injured, there aren't winners at all in the criminal justice system. Should Officer Kerrick be found guilty of voluntary manslaughter, the Ferrell family will almost certainly feel a sense of vindicated justice. But that "justice" they feel will not bring back their son. It will not fill the hole left in their lives by his absence. For them, a "victory"isn't going to bring the thing they long for most. It won't give their son a future. Should the jury find Officer Kerrick not-guilty, his family will feel a sense of relief, but they will not win. No, the lives of two families were irreparably changed forever that September morning. So now is the time to pray.
We need to pray for wisdom. For peace. For a peace that surpasses all understanding. I, for one, will never understand why countless lives, both white and black, are lost at the hands of those who are sworn to protect us. I'll also never understand what it is to willingly chose to enter situations that could cost me my life on a daily basis. So instead of trying to understand, I pray for peace.
As believers, we also need to pray for this city. Sure, this trial hasn't garnered the same national attention and passion-filled protests that other cases have. The shooting itself happened before the altercation between Ofc. Darren Wilson and Michael Brown, that led to Brown's death. It happened before the death's of Freddie Gray and Walter Scott. But this city, and the people in it, are hurting. People on all sides of this issue are hurting and yearning for peace. I pray that we might come together, learn from one another and strive for understanding.
I realize that my position and viewpoint is flows from my position in the majority. As a white woman in this country, I will never fully know the African-American experience. I've never been followed in a store, or immediately suspected of doing something wrong because of the way I look. In fact, I'm certain I've received the benefit of the doubt, when my sisters and brothers in the minority would not be given the same measure of grace.
All across our country, white families like the one I grew up in are instilling values of respecting authority. I know that my brother and I were taught to respect our elders and those of authority, even when we thought they were wrong. We knew that there were avenues to right wrongs made by those in power, should that occur. I'm learning, however, that those same avenues afforded to me by the virtue of my white complexion, aren't always available to those of color. This is a shame. It saddens me that African-American parents are having conversations with their children, their sons, about life and death. Not just about respecting authority, but about doing everything they can - everything they have to - to ensure that encounters with authority don't cost a life.
Now is the time to pray. As deliberations unfold and social media buzzes with a twisting of evidence revealed and the pulling of emotional strings, now is the time to pray. Pray for the 12 jurors in that room, for their wisdom, their safety and their hearts. It's time to pray for the Ferrell family, for the loss that they continue to grieve. That they might find peace and purpose from this terrible tragedy. It's time to pray for Officer Kerrick's family. For peace to live with the events that transpired that night, for the ability to move forward with courage and compassion - no matter the outcome. To pray for his family, his wife and child, who like Kerrick himself, are forever changed.
Now is the time to pray. Will you join me?
Sunday, August 16, 2015
The Write Thing: Take 2
From the time I was a little girl, I knew words had power. Power to transform, transport; to bring clarity or chaos. Words provided comfort where people couldn't, and an escape from my own head to a world where the feelings of my heart could be expressed and worked out.
Growing up I turned to creative writing, poetry, to express feelings I couldn't speak. I, like many, had a journal filled with scribbles about fear, longing, hopes and dreams. I'd write poetry, and I'lle use that word loosely, to sort out the things happening around me. Not much has changed.
Although, confidence to write poetry eludes me, words still bring tremendous comfort and clarity for me. I suppose that's why I'm deciding to dip back into blogging. The world is filled with choices, with chaos and with beauty. They all exist together, and lead into one another.
As a professional, I see first hand the choices people make. The lines of black and white are increasingly muddled in a sea of shades of grey. While there is right and wrong, people make wrong choices for the right reasons, and the other way around. My life of privilege, granted to me by the color of my skin, affluent upbringing and some work of my own is mixed in and intersects with the struggles of those around me. I've got struggles of my own.
The Write Thing
What's in a name? I actually named this blog back in college, though I haven't touched it since I named it. But in trying to think of a name to change this blog to, I realized that my first instincts were exactly where I needed to take this. I live in a world where decisions are right and wrong, where I strive to do the right thing, especially in times where there isn't such a clear-cut distinction.
This blog will be a mix of creative prose, musings about current events, and a place for me to express vulnerable thoughts and work through the challenges I face. We all face challenges, and I don't believe my struggles are unique, but they are uniquely mine. Engage with me, challenge me, question me. I want to do the right thing by you, my readers, and myself.
In the end, I suppose that's all anyone can really do.
Do stick around, with me. The company's nice to have.
Lauren
Growing up I turned to creative writing, poetry, to express feelings I couldn't speak. I, like many, had a journal filled with scribbles about fear, longing, hopes and dreams. I'd write poetry, and I'lle use that word loosely, to sort out the things happening around me. Not much has changed.
Although, confidence to write poetry eludes me, words still bring tremendous comfort and clarity for me. I suppose that's why I'm deciding to dip back into blogging. The world is filled with choices, with chaos and with beauty. They all exist together, and lead into one another.
As a professional, I see first hand the choices people make. The lines of black and white are increasingly muddled in a sea of shades of grey. While there is right and wrong, people make wrong choices for the right reasons, and the other way around. My life of privilege, granted to me by the color of my skin, affluent upbringing and some work of my own is mixed in and intersects with the struggles of those around me. I've got struggles of my own.
The Write Thing
What's in a name? I actually named this blog back in college, though I haven't touched it since I named it. But in trying to think of a name to change this blog to, I realized that my first instincts were exactly where I needed to take this. I live in a world where decisions are right and wrong, where I strive to do the right thing, especially in times where there isn't such a clear-cut distinction.
This blog will be a mix of creative prose, musings about current events, and a place for me to express vulnerable thoughts and work through the challenges I face. We all face challenges, and I don't believe my struggles are unique, but they are uniquely mine. Engage with me, challenge me, question me. I want to do the right thing by you, my readers, and myself.
In the end, I suppose that's all anyone can really do.
Do stick around, with me. The company's nice to have.
Lauren
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